- Laws of Association Football - 

The Laws of the Game:

1.  Law I - The Field of Play

   The field shall be in perfect condition. If it is not in perfect condition, it is the referee's fault, and the referee must repair any imperfections immediately. The referee shall tell the league that the field was not perfect, and the league will make the community Parks and Recreation Department fix the field immediately.

2.  Law II - The Ball

   Our team gets to kick around the game ball before the game. Our goalie has the right to veto any choice of the game ball. If our team doesn't approve of the amount of air in the game ball, then we may force the referee to change the ball whenever we feel like it.

3.  Law III - Number of Players

   The coach can submit a list to the referee whenever he feels like it. When we want to substitute, all substitutes shall run on the field immediately the referee indicates that a substitution will be allowed.

4.  Law IV - Players Equipment

   If our goalie isn't wearing colors which distinguish himself from us, then it doesn't matter, and the referee is being officious if he asks him to change. The other goalie must wear the color of our team. The referee shall check the other team's equipment before the game.
   
   If the referee in the last game said it was OK, then you (today's referee) must also allow it.
   
   A team must use at least three different colors of socks.
   
   Under no circumstances may a team tuck their jerseys in.

5.  Law V - Referee

   The referee shall agree that the coaches have a far superior view of the game from the halfway line in front of their benches and can see all the fouls that occur, whether or not the referee calls them.
   
   If a referee observes more than 2/3 of the spectators in an uproar over his last call he/she must immediately stop play and submit to an eye exam. If, after the exam has occurred, it is deemed that the referee does indeed require spectacles, it is the visiting teams responsibility to provide a proper pair. Punishment for the second occurrence shall be a warning of bodily harm by a designated spectator whose name shall be submitted prior to the match (no substitutions shall be allowed.)
   
   Upon the third occurrence the referee shall be staked at midfield and secured with a tether not to exceed six feet in length (before stretching) but which must be at least two feet in length, and the spectators shall be awarded five minutes to discipline the referee as they see fit, provided there are a minimum of two spectators providing discipline at the same time. If the level falls below two spectators at any time while the referee is still breathing, then the referee shall be released and play will resume.

6.  Law VI - Linesman

   If the referee makes a decision we don't like, then the linesman has the power to reverse the referee's decision. If our desperate appeals to the referee get us nothing, then it shall be appropriate to yell at the linesman, because the linesman can't caution us.
   
   When the other team is offside, our defender will raise one arm, and then the linesman shall put his flag up. Club linesmen shall be permitted to yell at the players from the other team, and it shall be taken personally if the referee reverses the decision of a club linesman.

7.  Law VII - Duration of the Game

   If after ninety minutes have elapsed, and we are leading, then the game shall terminate immediately. Our coaches watch shall keep the official time for the game. If the coach does not approve of the amount of time being added on to the half, then he shall complain to the linesman nearest him, who shall force the referee to end the half immediately.

8.  Law VIII - Start of Play

   The captains shall conduct a coin toss. The captains shall be immune from being punished for dissent for the duration of the game. During a drop ball, the ball need not hit the ground before it is played, unless the referee decides, for some reason, to stop play and drop it again.

9.  Law IX - Ball In and Out of Play

   The coach is permitted to stand on the touch line, regardless of whether the linesman's view of the line is obstructed.

10.  Law X - Method of Scoring

    A goal is scored if the majority of the ball crosses the line.

11.  Law XI - Offside

    If the linesman flags us for offside, the we shall be permitted to yell "It's when the ball is played!" at the linesman. If we fail to properly execute an offside trap, then we will forget that offside is judged when the ball is played, and the ensuing goal shall be the fault of the linesman.
    
    A player can't be offside if he receives the ball on his own half of the field.
    
    A player isn't offside if he moves back to onside position to receive the ball.
    
    Any attacker who is unmarked is, by definition, to be declared offside.

12.  Law XII - Fouls and Misconduct

    If the ball comes in contact with the hand or arm of an opponent in his penalty area, a penalty kick shall be awarded.
    
    No matter how far I kick the ball away, I can't be cautioned for delay of game if the ball is still on the field when I kick it.
    
    A player should not be sent off for intentional hand ball if he was only trying to stop a goal.
    
    It is dangerous play for my opponents to play the ball while they are lying on the ground. My teams position has no effect on this ruling.
    
    If the players shoe came off on the shot, then the goal should be disallowed for dangerous play.
    
    A spectator with a dog on a leash must stay at least one yard from the touch line; however the dog, since it was unable to understand soccer rules, may enter the field of play.
    
    When a goalkeeper catches the ball, any nearby attacker shall run up to the goalkeeper and stand directly in front of him, within one yard of him, and shall stare at him.
    
    Any ball which last touched a defender before going to the goalkeeper shall be considered a back pass and penalized with an IFK.
    
    A goalkeeper who traps the ball with his feet may only take four steps while dribbling the ball.
    
    No foul shall be called if a player gets the ball.
    
    Any player who raises his foot above knee height is guilty of "high kicking".
    
    A player may not move if he is standing in front of the goalkeeper.

13.  Law XIII - Free Kicks

    If we do not agree that the opposing team is 10 yards away, then we shall inform the referee, and he will move them back even more. We shall be permitted to delay the taking of a free kick until we are ready for it. If we take a quick free kick, and we lose possession to an opponent who was within 10 yards, then play shall be stopped and we shall take the kick over again.
    
    A defender need not yield 10 yards during a corner kick if a colleague of the player taking the kick goes over to assist with a short corner.
    
    A defender shall be allowed to kick the ball away if he feels that he needs more time to set up for an attackers kick.

14.  Law XIV - Penalty Kick

    It was probably a bad call anyway.

15.  Law XV - Throw In

    In youth games, the referee shall penalize every foul throw, regardless of whether it will result in most of the time being spent taking throw-ins.

16.  Law XVI - Goal Kick

    The defending team can play the ball after it has traveled 10 yards. The attacking team must wait for the ball to leave the penalty area before playing it.

17.  Law XVII - Corner Kick

    If the ball, after being kicked, travels less than its circumference before crossing over the goal line, it shall be deemed to have never "come in" and the kick shall be retaken.

The fourth official shall assist us in yelling "ref" when we want a substitution.

The technical area shall be marked in such a way as to allow our coach to follow play up and down the field.